To be or Not to be, that is the question.

Since I was young I have loved to capture life through the medium of Photography.

The everyday moment,

the created moment.

For some reason the form of art appeals to my very soul.

The look of it,

the creativity of it,

the emotion and feeling of it,

the tools used,

the broadness of the art.

Every part of it.

Being

‘the photographer’

always sounded grand to me.

Being in control of capturing the world,

through a lens.

Perfection.

(Photograph from Pinterest)

.

When I turned 15 I made the decision to be a Fashion Photographer.

Shoot high fashion couture clothing,

and thrive on the creativity it allowed.

And then,

people started asking me to shoot for them.

Clients.

I was scared and apprehensive.

I wanted my portfolio to be more than family/senior/engagement/wedding portraits.

And I hadn’t nailed down my shooting or editing style to my liking yet.

But I began to venture out,

slowly, so slowly,

and shot some senior portraits. 

And an engagement shoot or two. 

I came to find that it wasn’t as I expected it to be,

I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

Capturing special moments and memories,

instead of just clothing and style for ads and magazines,

appealed to me more than I would have ever anticipated.

As I researched more into the life that a Fashion Photographer would live,

I began to feel that to be a closed door.

It didn’t coincide to the life that I hope to live,

being a wife, and a mother.

So I re-thought my approach to photography.

By this time it had been years that I had been

identified with photography,

by myself and others,

starting from my little self-portrait shoots that were inspired by

fashion magazines, America’s Next Top Model and Flickr

to

my early client/model shoots.

And I decided

that maybe the right photography route for me would be to  shoot

family/engagement/senior/wedding portraits

and bring a more fashion//creative element to them.

Use my inspiration from fashion//ad campaign photography,

but shoot it in the form of capturing memories for people.

(Photograph from Pinterest)

‘finally’

I thought,

Finally I had found my type of photography,

finally I could begin to build a portfolio for a career.

A career.

A career?

Photography as a career?

Since the time I Intentionally started pursuing photography,

there didn’t seem to be any other path for me.

It must be photography.

and yet,

I still felt apprehensive to say yes to client shoots,

I still felt like something wasn’t right.

I still do.

And it has made me think,

am I supposed to be a photographer?

I adore photography.

but,

am I a photographer?

I could never stop shooting,

but is it supposed to be my career?

It is just something that has been on my mind.

To be or Not to be.

.

(Photograph from Pinterest)

.

Three things  come to mind.

(1)

Perhaps, due to the fact that I have never taken a photography or Photoshop class,

nor have I ever been a photographers assistant or intern for a photographer who shoots what I would shoot,

that maybe I am just scared,

because I don’t have enough minor experience.

(2)

Maybe I just haven’t actually found the part of photography or focus of photography that I truly want to pursue.

(3)

Maybe I keep making excuses because it is isn’t something that I really want to pursue as a career…

.

The outcome of these thoughts that I have had over the past few days

will neither be

me putting an end to shooting photography

or

me declining to ever shoot a client session,

but more it will be me defining more how I want photography to be a part of my life,

what part I want it to play,

how much attention I want it to have.

.

Right now,

the only action I am taking is to pray.

And really ask God for direction in my life.

I am halfway through college,

this is the time when you realize that college doesn’t last forever

and that afterwards

school won’t be life,

work will be life.

And it has got me thinking about what work means the most to me,

what occupation means the most to me,

what do I really want to pursue.

.

To be or Not to be,

that is my question.

3 thoughts on “To be or Not to be, that is the question.

  1. good luck with the journey…i think part of being gifted with the artistic mind is that “you’ll go there”…you’ll wrestle with yourself as an artist and how you’re supposed to pursue yourself in the world. The need for a well paying job is certainly something that can defeat a sensitive spirit- and i hope it doesn’t do that for you! It’s hard to narrow it down to just one form of expression since the world seems so big and full with to many roads to take.

    Case in point, you are highly gifted in conceptual thinking…and that’s where you could play your strengths in any form of photography.

    Like

  2. I feel precisely this way about writing. One of the things I’m considering is grad school, because I feel I ought to get some education in the field before plunging in headfirst. USC might be great for you in that way — feeling like you’re actually being trained in the discipline as opposed to doing it all on your own and learning as you go. It will probably give you more confidence, although I think you’re already incredibly talented in photography of several kinds — though it might be that you need to allow yourself to take a break from trying to figure it out. Do what interests you, even if it changes day to day (it does for me). It might also be that you need to let yourself have fun with it — give yourself permission to pursue it wholeheartedly for a while.

    Sometimes we think we can’t have a life pursuing our passions. We need to find a solid job and ‘be adults.’ You know what? Screw that. Adults work the same old boring jobs and never have any fun. That isn’t life. Life is full of ups and downs, disappointment, joy, hope, fear, anger and passion and if you never experience those (as a starving artist or pop star), your creativity and artistic expression will suffer for it. I’m not saying be a starving artist living in a cardboard box, but there’s a way to follow your dreams (or figure them out) without compromising by being *too* concerned with the details.

    I’ve had to realize that I psych myself out of things I really love because I don’t want to try and then FAIL. Fortunately, I’m learning (through Harry Potter, Meet the Robinsons and etc.) that failure is good. You learn and you keep moving forward. This is where I am right now. Tentatively stepping into the great unknown of my future. I’m going to go for it and if I fall flat on my face, I’m still young enough to consider alternatives. Even though we don’t feel like we have time, we have to act like it. We’re young and we need to take time to explore before we settle down into something.

    Don’t know if any of that will help or make sense…I’m mostly just empathizing with you because I’m there.

    Like

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