I haven’t written in a bit.
Mostly because I don’t want to fill this blog with negative/seemingly pointless posts,
and lately that is all that I seem to be able to write.
I do recognize all of the good in my life.
So many beautiful wonderful things,
but I still have this heavy weight on my heart and mind,
a lasting and consistent weight.
It has to do with what I am doing with school.
I feel very dissatisfied,
very vacant and uninterested.
I have never loved academics,
but in high school I was always working towards college,
but now I am at college,
and what I seem to be working towards doesn’t interest me…in the slightest.
I am a humanities major.
A broad major.
A major that prepares you for graduate school mostly,
but graduate school is something I know for certain I will not be doing.
I feel aimless.
aimless is the perfect word.
aimlessly moving forward without excitement or care…
just moving forward.
I hate that.
I hate being aimless in my academics and career part of my life.
I hate being aimless in any part of my life.
My relationships are solid and secure.
They are the one part of my life that I feel a peace and blessing in regards to,
through and through.
But those other parts of my life keep weighing on my mind,
and causing me to live in sadness that frustrates and grates at my soul.
I feel so strongly the desire to move on from my present focus of academics,
because there has to be something that I could be learning that would be more productive…more interesting.
But then I just keep staying….
because I also recognize the importance of a college degree in today’s world.
Although it is difficult for my mind to recognize the importance of a college degree for me.
I don’t want to be a career person.
I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder
live for more money
be incredibly successful.
I just want to live simply,
raise a family
trust Christ completely
and provide and nurture those in my care.
It is just frustrating to be working towards something I am told that I need,
but can’t seem to see fitting into my future in any way.
Maybe I’m just not so good at future thinking,
But maybe I really am supposed to be doing something different.
It sounds so refreshing,
I must admit,
I have found that I have a problem with expectations.
I hope for things a lot,
future things, different things, etc…
and seem to grow and foster expectations over time as to what those things could be like.
And then those things come about,
and do not coincide as sincerely to my expectations as I thought they would.
I know this about myself,
and so compensate for that flaw as much as I am able.
I wondered for a while if perhaps my discontentment with my time at CIU is due to that,
yet this feeling and aimlessness has been consistent
since Freshman year.
And I don’t know what to do with it.
Listen to it?
Take a break?
Leave for good?
Find a new major?
I don’t know.
And I suffer not knowing.
I am a Junior this Fall,
and it only took the first week of classes and being back on campus to bring back all of my
And I can’t help but think.
What am I doing here?