A Cynic’s Prayer

Isn’t it interesting when you feel like you are in a good place, things are just a little tough for a time, and then it suddenly becomes clear that a lesson has to be learned for things to be right again and for balance to be regained.
That has been me these past weeks. And I think I have finally become aware of what must be learned and changed to rid confusion from my life.

It goes back to maintaining a secure and consistent relationship with Christ.

Doesn’t it always?

For a bit of time now I have been waiting for some life plans//things to fall in place, for me, for Justin and for us together, I was praying, and talking through things and looking into options….but nothing was happening…

This confused me, my perspective coming out of summer was that finally Justin would be back, school would start and everything would fall into place and be able to be figured out, and though a lot did fall into place and things did begin, there were still those few things that weren’t resolved, and I felt a bit let down…

I felt so sure that summer ending was the answer, that God would finally reveal His plans and His purpose and provide the things that were needed and resolve things that needed resolution, but it didn’t happen.

And so I became a bit cynical about prayer, never disbelieving God’s promises, but just short cutting them as apparently not very applicable for me…

I felt that God had put His provision on hold until further notice.

I was sick of prayer, I didn’t even want to hear other people say that they were praying for me, all I could think of was,

‘well, what good is that….it doesn’t seem to be making a difference…’ 

I was seeing prayer as a means to an end and not a conversation that built relationship with Christ.

I felt like I was waiting again, waiting for everything to fall into place so that I could finally be happy, so that I could finally feel like everything was under control, so that I could finally see God’s plan, the way I knew it had to be, because I could see how it could play out so well, waiting for results and so unhappy with the process and the now…

Still nothing happened,

I was still just waiting, floundering about it seemed in all of my goals and plans for the future, not knowing what I was doing or what plans to make or follow through with…

I was just waiting.

And I got tired.

Tired of waiting,

and cynical,

cynical of waiting.

The first week back to school a chapel message and the message at church were about waiting, about how we are still meant to be doing things while waiting, about how prayer is still a necessity, no matter what seems to be happening or not happening…

I heard them, I knew them to be true, but inside my heart was still frustrated with prayer, and when I tried to pray I couldn’t get past the wall of frustration and thinking it just wasn’t worth it.

I began feeling very discontent, and dissatisfied with the stage of life I was in, my location and my work…again I felt like if I could just get past the now to the future, it would be so much better and that I would finally be fulfilled.

I have always struggled with reading my bible regularly,

never prayer, I have always prayed,

which makes it very interesting to me as to why it was what was the hardest during this time,

but at the time I was not reading, at all,

and, as said before, I was finding prayer to be difficult and strained.

I just felt confused a lot, and frustrated. I was looking to other people, especially Justin, to maintain me, to remind me to focus on my responsibilities and to remind me about God’s promises, instead of nurturing my relationship with Christ on my own.

Day after day I would be emotional and frustrated, yet still not be seeking after Christ, but merely looking to the next thing to distract me or make me happy…

It was a poor cycle, that I see more clearly now, but felt so justified in at the moment and rather blind to how it was hurting and not helping.

I felt bad for myself, I claimed my daily life as my very own pity party and lived as the queen of distress.

It was starting to wear on my soul and on my relationship with Justin.

And then two nights ago I went back to using my journal,

recording my thoughts, actually thinking through things again, not just complaining,

and last night I went back to the scriptures.

The first verse I read was

1 Thessalonians 5:16

16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

and it finally sunk in.

I am not meant to be living for the plans God hasn’t shown me yet,

this is God’s plan.

I am experiencing it right now.

He isn’t waiting to grant me fulfillment and joy in my life in the future plans He has for me,

but will grant it now.

All of my striving to make plans, hear God’s plan and figure out His will for my life had caused me to wait on something that was never promised, become frustrated with what God has given me now, and seek happiness from what would never fulfill.

This morning I woke up and read this verse,

Romans 12:12

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

And was again encouraged to recognize joy now!

A lot of changes have been put into place over the last few days,

a lot of focusing back on to Christ alone and not just on what Christ could and will do for me.

I recognize the change now, I recognize the joy, I recognize the worthiness of prayer and I am praying that Christ would strengthen me to pursue Him even during this times when I don’t feel His presence.

A lot of things have changed in my heart and mind, a lot of, I hope and pray, permanent changes.

And now that habits are being built and relationships are being intentionally nurtured and rest and peace are found and experienced again,

I will now be off to enjoy the now!

Enjoy, and remember, joy, contentedness, peace, and God’s will can be found now.

Don’t keep looking forward and waiting for something that can be so experienced right now. 

In closing, I leave you with a few more date night photos!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s