A Baby.

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mother,

to have a baby.

I played with my dolls until  I was 12 years old, and even at the end I remember looking at the dolls in my toy cradle and feeling a great sense of loss in my heart as I came to terms with the fact that I was too old to imagine real life in them any longer.

I had one doll in particular that I would put in my stroller and take to the grocery store to push around, and each and every time I would be stopped by someone who would ask about my ‘little sister’….as a little girl nothing thrilled me more than to be mistaken for caring for a baby, because even in my own mind, my doll was worth all the care I could offer it.

I remember when my own mother would help in the church nursery and I would tag along just to perhaps get the chance to be able to hold a baby.

Once I got older and I would talk with other girls about having babies, I always felt, and still do, a sadness in my heart when all they could talk about was the pain of actually giving birth and about how much trouble and responsibility it would be to have a child, instead of how beautiful it will be to have such an intimate connection with another human life and how, despite all the troubles and trials of raising children, there is nothing on earth that compares to a mother’s experience.

I would babysit all of my growing up years, but as I got older babysitting continually reminded me of my growing longing for a baby of my own to care for…

And so here I am today, still quite a ways from the time when I will be able to have a baby, but still feeling an ache in my heart each time I read another blog about a pregnant woman, watch the people I know in my life start their own families and even pass by a new mother in the store.

I understand that I have nearly no idea what it actually means to be a mother, and probably have some very idealistic notions in my mind of what it will be like, but I know for sure that when it is my turn to carry and bring a little person into the world, my turn to birth a soul, that I will be ready for that which my heart has so longed for,

ready to be a mother.

{ Baby Eliza, a lovely friend’s new daughter, and I … she is a precious little girl. }

2 thoughts on “A Baby.

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