I was taught to be independent,
I was taught to focus and work through things myself to come to a conclusion and finished result.
When I was single, I felt great pride in my ability to fend for myself,
I felt assured that I was capable, even if at times I didn’t show it.
I always tried to find a solution or if need be just come to the understanding that sometimes things are tough and it is just a matter of sticking with things until an end.
Once I started dating, this more positive tendency for me as a single person, began to show different characteristics in my life.
My need to be self-reliant and stubborn made me refuse the coat that Justin would offer me when it was cold, over dramatize him merely asking to buy me a meal, at times deny the embrace from him that would have eased my heart and reminded me that things really were okay, and many times make it difficult for him to lead me and learn in the role that he is so capable of and longs to be able to fulfill.
Today, as he has sometimes before, Justin mentioned how many times it is so hard to help me and how he so badly wants to be able to, but is denied so often.
Being reminded of how what I am doing hurts him so much makes my perspective on my behavior change so drastically.
It is such a conflicting understanding, my thought pattern when I am striving to not need to be helped is that I am saving other people from my being an inconvenience to them or becoming annoying or needy towards them, and thus I justify my actions as backed up with all the good intentions I posses.
But to suddenly realize and see once again how in doing what I am doing that I am hurting instead of helping our relationship, breaks my heart and reminds me once again how I am in such need of humility and that my actions aren’t backed with good intentions, but pride in myself and the need to know that I can do what I want and am capable of anything I should ever have to do, without any help from anyone else.
Justin reminds me that
it is okay to be served
it is okay to feel vulnerable
it is okay to say yes to help
it is okay to not be self-sufficient
it is okay to be dependent on him, not co-dependent, but correctly dependent
and that it is okay to not always be in control.
I love learning how to understand his leadership and discover how we are able to learn from each other, not try to change each other or make that our main focus, but truly learn from each other and allow Christ to bring about the change in us that He desires.
By Justin’s honest words that remind me of how I am doing harm to our relationship by needing to be in control, also convicts me that this tendency also plays a major role in my relationship with Christ and prompts me to again understand that I will never be able to be self-sufficient, no matter what I think I am capable of, and that my need to allow God to be the sovereign leader in my life is even a greater necessity than Justin’s role in my life.
It is a beautiful journey that Justin and I have been allowed to go on together,
and feel blessed to the core of my heart by a God who so graciously allows for me to learn daily how to become a sincerely humble person and a boyfriend who is so faithful, shows more love towards me that I will ever deserve and who helps me more than I could have ever imagined.