After the bombs went off at the Boston Marathon yesterday afternoon and after many moments during the day thinking on it, in the quiet, vulnerable time of the midnight hours I felt I had to write something, write what my mind and heart were so disturbed by, this is what was written.
Every fresh news story seems to enforce the fear that inevitable disaster is coming.
Every rumbling in the air is like the echo of another plane crashing to earth,
every calamity brings the screams and cries of another and another innocent life smashed into eternity or broken for this world.
I am afraid.
Afraid of this world and its bombs and tidal waves.
I am afraid.
Afraid of humanity and their madness.
I am afraid.
Afraid of being taken away from everything I love,
every hope of mine being crushed under the oppressive fire
of this life.
I want to run.
Run somewhere secure,
some where safe.
What is safe anymore?
A work place?
A cheering crowded street at a marathon?
I am afraid of this world,
and its unknowns,
of its accidents and intentionally cruel plans.
I want to know I have a future,
I want to know I have a safe life with Justin ahead of me,
I want to know that I will have our babies,
I want to know they will live in a world with love and joy and safety,
I want to know these things,
and it’s killing me not to know,
to lack control.
Sometimes it’s so heavy,
The weight of being young and scared.
It makes me weary, heart, mind and soul,
And nothing this world offers seems worth it anymore,
school, job, entertainment,
I only want to know love.
To study it, think on it, remember it always.
I want my friends to know love.
I want to love my family and have them know love.
I want to love my Justin, my most intimate earthly companion.
I want to know and love Jesus, who’s presence is so un-fathomable, yet so brilliantly personal.
I want to be free from these worldly fears and heartaches and embrace the love that I know.
I am afraid,
but I do have love,
and it is said
God burns onto my heart that it is said
that perfect love casts out fear,
in love there is no room for fear,
14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
– 1 John 4:14-18
I am pleading Jesus please, please strengthen love,
Oh God, I am afraid.