1 Year of Finding Myself


(This post is a rambling combination of a 20 year olds realization and attempts to grow up in Christ and as an adult,

continue or not with that understanding.)

(at least) 1 Year. No hair dye.

A choice for many reasons.

Last night as I complained to Justin about how I felt like I was having a personality crisis and how I still felt unsure about my haircut and color and thought I had made certain mistakes…

he stopped me,

and opened the conversation up to something broader.

The reason why I felt that way.

I am a people pleaser, I am stubborn, but gullible, and I assure myself of my quality of life by the response I get from the people around me.

Justin told me something I’ve heard before, but never connected with what I had been saying to him.

We talked about my finding confidence and my identity through the affirmation of those around me.

He talked about how I will never believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful if I don’t believe it first.

And I realized that the reason I sabotage compliments in my head and the reason why I need those compliments in the first place is because I am so unsure of myself, that I need others to affirm me so I know what parts of myself are worth it and in what ways I am doing what’s right,

but I know that not everyone is looking out for me, so I have to deny (at least in my head) some of the compliments to make up for thinking that everyone was for me in the end, to make up for the possibility of being too trusting.

It’s all outward.

The entire growth process of who I am is all an outward process and according to other’s opinions and impressions.

And I believe it’s been that way for a while.

Justin reminded me that no matter how many compliments I get, no matter how much affirmation, as soon as one person gives a questionable look or a less than encouraging comment it will plummet me to being completely unsure of who I am, again and again and again.

It will only take one cruel look or one rude comment to devastate my entire understanding of myself.

And that’s a problem.

And now, it’s time to actually begin a process of understanding who I am according to Christ and according to me.

No more making life decisions and then waiting to see what the majority response is to know if it was a wise one or not.

No more dressing or styling my hair and then interpreting the expressions of others to decide if I am doing well with my style.

No more suppressing my personality and speaking to people please because I feel I will disappoint or not interest those around me and they may not like me, which could mean something is wrong with my personality.

No more being so sensitive to those around me that I sacrifice who I am because of their standards.

This task, no hair color for a year, is an outward step. My choice. To remind myself to live true to who I am and to discover who that really is for myself.

I want my natural color, for the first time in 8 (almost 9) years, I want every bit of my hair to be my natural color.

It’s going to look odd, maybe even bad, the outgrowing of my natural color in comparison to the dark color I have now.

But this is an intentional step towards something that I want to strive towards, that will not be influenced by the opinions, whether good or bad, around me.

I don’t expect this action of no hair color for a year to solve my struggle with identity.

But I feel that it will be a reminder of what I am seeking to do.

Every day for the next year I will remember that I want to be confident in myself, that I want to learn how to be confident in myself, and that I will not dye my hair to appease a desire for a personality boost or suffice for a feeling of loss in an understanding of who I am.

No longer will change be a coping mechanism for not knowing who I am.

This is huge for me, realizing this.

This affects my becoming a better adult, a better woman, a better wife, one day a better mother, a better helper, a better worker, a better person.

This problem has intertwined itself to so many parts of my life and I never knew.

And then last night,

it all made more sense.

I give Justin the credit for so honestly responding to my complaint of a personality crisis,

he fulfilled so many aspects of what a husband should truly be last night,

supportive, challenging, kind, honest, good.

And I am grateful.

And I am excited and relieved to begin to experience the confident freedom of being myself, apart from the standards of others. Already I feel less susceptible and less preoccupied with everything surrounding me.

So, October 16th 2013 – October 16th 2014, lets do this!

6 thoughts on “1 Year of Finding Myself

  1. Aaaw Beppy! It is amazing to me that reading this post I was shocked at learning that you didn’t know you were amazing in your style. I always thought you were so confident in the style choices you would so boldly (in my mind) sport through out the parts of your life that I have been a part of. Never would I have thought that you struggled with this.. however I am so thankful that you wrote this post! It is something that I have always struggled with and now seeing that someone as beautiful and confident as you appeared to me struggles as well helps me to finally take a closer look at it again.Always having excessive weight on my body has made me more self-conscious about compliments, people pleasing and the difficulties of life in general. In my mind I would always wish away the pounds and “know” that if they were gone that all would be right in my world and I would find the love that I have so often run to find but always found just outside of my grasp. This last year for me has been one of alot of self-examination internally and healing from past hurts, hang ups and lies I believed about myself, others and God. I have dealt with so much of the internal stuff that I am beginning to process of looking outward and how I need to change the self-loathing I have so easily accepted my whole life because I wasn’t a society acceptable size. I too can see that today may mark for me the beginning of a journey to learn to love and accept myself for the amazing person God made me to be! I pray that your journey will be filled with learning who you are in God so that He may be able to fill the tiny holes in your soul of self-doubt, fear and allow the wellspring of His love to flow freely from your heart so that in turn you are able to love people in your life effectively! Love you bunches!!


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