(This post is a rambling combination of a 20 year olds realization and attempts to grow up in Christ and as an adult,
continue or not with that understanding.)
(at least) 1 Year. No hair dye.
A choice for many reasons.
Last night as I complained to Justin about how I felt like I was having a personality crisis and how I still felt unsure about my haircut and color and thought I had made certain mistakes…
he stopped me,
and opened the conversation up to something broader.
The reason why I felt that way.
I am a people pleaser, I am stubborn, but gullible, and I assure myself of my quality of life by the response I get from the people around me.
Justin told me something I’ve heard before, but never connected with what I had been saying to him.
We talked about my finding confidence and my identity through the affirmation of those around me.
He talked about how I will never believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful if I don’t believe it first.
And I realized that the reason I sabotage compliments in my head and the reason why I need those compliments in the first place is because I am so unsure of myself, that I need others to affirm me so I know what parts of myself are worth it and in what ways I am doing what’s right,
but I know that not everyone is looking out for me, so I have to deny (at least in my head) some of the compliments to make up for thinking that everyone was for me in the end, to make up for the possibility of being too trusting.
It’s all outward.
The entire growth process of who I am is all an outward process and according to other’s opinions and impressions.
And I believe it’s been that way for a while.
Justin reminded me that no matter how many compliments I get, no matter how much affirmation, as soon as one person gives a questionable look or a less than encouraging comment it will plummet me to being completely unsure of who I am, again and again and again.
It will only take one cruel look or one rude comment to devastate my entire understanding of myself.
And that’s a problem.
And now, it’s time to actually begin a process of understanding who I am according to Christ and according to me.
No more making life decisions and then waiting to see what the majority response is to know if it was a wise one or not.
No more dressing or styling my hair and then interpreting the expressions of others to decide if I am doing well with my style.
No more suppressing my personality and speaking to people please because I feel I will disappoint or not interest those around me and they may not like me, which could mean something is wrong with my personality.
No more being so sensitive to those around me that I sacrifice who I am because of their standards.
This task, no hair color for a year, is an outward step. My choice. To remind myself to live true to who I am and to discover who that really is for myself.
I want my natural color, for the first time in 8 (almost 9) years, I want every bit of my hair to be my natural color.
It’s going to look odd, maybe even bad, the outgrowing of my natural color in comparison to the dark color I have now.
But this is an intentional step towards something that I want to strive towards, that will not be influenced by the opinions, whether good or bad, around me.
I don’t expect this action of no hair color for a year to solve my struggle with identity.
But I feel that it will be a reminder of what I am seeking to do.
Every day for the next year I will remember that I want to be confident in myself, that I want to learn how to be confident in myself, and that I will not dye my hair to appease a desire for a personality boost or suffice for a feeling of loss in an understanding of who I am.
No longer will change be a coping mechanism for not knowing who I am.
This is huge for me, realizing this.
This affects my becoming a better adult, a better woman, a better wife, one day a better mother, a better helper, a better worker, a better person.
This problem has intertwined itself to so many parts of my life and I never knew.
And then last night,
it all made more sense.
I give Justin the credit for so honestly responding to my complaint of a personality crisis,
he fulfilled so many aspects of what a husband should truly be last night,
supportive, challenging, kind, honest, good.
And I am grateful.
And I am excited and relieved to begin to experience the confident freedom of being myself, apart from the standards of others. Already I feel less susceptible and less preoccupied with everything surrounding me.
So, October 16th 2013 – October 16th 2014, lets do this!