I wish I was Better

PicMonkey Collage

I wish I had more composure

I wish I naturally and consistently dressed minimalist and chic

I wish I had quicker wit

I wish I didn’t get flustered at change of plans

I wish I could write more eloquently

I wish I could routinely be well organized

I wish I could plan adventures without fear

I wish I loved working out

I wish I was more creative

I wish I was more confident in my skills

I wish I could approach change more confidently

I wish I didn’t second guess myself so often

I wish I wasn’t so easily influenced

I wish I wasn’t so emotionally attached to things I want and hope for

I wish I spoke with more assurance

I wish I was better.

Recently, as in the past 3 days, life has hit me a little hard, I feel a bit like I’m floundering. I had felt pretty solid, pretty secure in a lot of things, pretty on track and then all of a sudden I’ve shifted back a bit and have realized that a lot of things are still out of order.

The tighter your vision the less out of place things appear.

I feel a little caught up in my expectations for myself and sense the time has come to let go of a lot of things I expected and wanted myself to be. All of the things listed above are things I have wanted for myself for years. I wanted to be the quiet yet exceptionally witty girl. I wanted to be the chic and eloquent woman. I wanted to be the brave and spontaneous adventurer. I wanted to be the exceptionally skilled artist. I wanted to be the naturally creative house keeper. I wanted to be the composed and rational person.

I wanted to consistently be all of it. I thought that as I grew up I would grow into all of the categories I wanted to be recognized with, I thought I would find rest in my place and my skills and not be so easily hurt or confused. I thought it was just a matter of growing up and perhaps it is, I don’t know…

I find myself saying that a lot lately. i don’t know.

I don’t know when to keep up or drop an argument

I don’t know how to put aside what I want no matter the emotional attachment

I don’t know how to stay on top of things better then I have been

I don’t know how to allow the moments of triumph to extend into greater habits

I think it all just comes down to being young, which is one of the hardest things to admit to myself.  As far as I can remember I have always equated being young with being immature. My goal in so many times and areas of my life has been to prove to myself and everyone else that just because my age was young I was capable and mature beyond my years,

when I was 11 I could pass for 13

when I was 13 I could pass for 16

when I was 16 I could pass for 18

when I was 18 I could pass for 21

and now here I am, at 21 and I think my age has finally caught up to my capabilities.

Right now, I don’t believe I can pass for anything other then 21, and that is new and a bit frustrating for me. I’ve counted on naturally being a little ahead of the game for years and finding myself in a different position is bringing challenges I never expected. By this time of life I had hoped to find myself to be so many things. I wanted the poise, the confidence, the creativity, the wisdom and so much more…now I’m realizing that its not going to come as naturally as it has before. It’s going to take the years ahead, the challenges, the triumphs and the mistakes. I can’t expect myself to be a step ahead any longer, because times have changed.

It’s no longer about expectations, but about reality. It’s about right now. It’s no longer about how grown up I am, it’s about continuing to grow up. It’s no longer finding myself to be mature and responsible, it’s a matter of being intentionally about each daily task. It’s no longer coming one day to find that the outline of my life is so neatly organized before me, it’s learning every little piece of the puzzle and where it goes.

Overwhelming? Yes.

Real life? Yes.

Worth it? Yes.

I haven’t achieved or become nearly as many things as I thought I would by this time, instead I find myself severely lacking in regards to my expectations. And not merely lacking, but contradicting.

On one hand I want to be the confident, witty and refined woman and on the other hand I just want to be the 90’s mom with a perm, two fanny packs and 5 kids in tow.

In the end, I want to find out who I am, not merely who I expect myself to be.

This need to be honest and aware has been a long time coming, and I think I finally have enough clarity on it to move forward in a healthy way.

sometimes the best beginnings occur when you realize how weary you really are

One thought on “I wish I was Better

  1. I love your honesty in this post and I can relate to so much of it! To be 34 and starting over AGAIN is exhausting and quite frankly embarrassing… I have so many things that I wanted to do by now and so many things I still have on my “to do list” I wonder if I will ever accomplish them all. I am learning however that even if I don’t accomplish them all its most important to know I did the things and tasks that God set out for me each day… and that is to love Him and love the people He places around me. That is the only thing we are taking with us when we leave this earth. If I can encourage you in just one thing it would be to measure your success by this verse in 2 Peter 1:3-10 which says…

    “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble,”

    In the study I went to on Sunday we had the realization that when you work on the “list” like stepping stones then you will grow in your natural ability to in the end truly love as Christ loved. Its a process and we will never attain perfection in this life. Don’t be so hard on yourself in the areas you feel you are lacking. You are in the perfect spot to truly lay all pre-concieved ideas of who you wanted to be and truly become the amazing woman that God made you to be through your self- dicovery.

    I love you!! =)


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