I wish I had more composure
I wish I naturally and consistently dressed minimalist and chic
I wish I had quicker wit
I wish I didn’t get flustered at change of plans
I wish I could write more eloquently
I wish I could routinely be well organized
I wish I could plan adventures without fear
I wish I loved working out
I wish I was more creative
I wish I was more confident in my skills
I wish I could approach change more confidently
I wish I didn’t second guess myself so often
I wish I wasn’t so easily influenced
I wish I wasn’t so emotionally attached to things I want and hope for
I wish I spoke with more assurance
I wish I was better.
Recently, as in the past 3 days, life has hit me a little hard, I feel a bit like I’m floundering. I had felt pretty solid, pretty secure in a lot of things, pretty on track and then all of a sudden I’ve shifted back a bit and have realized that a lot of things are still out of order.
The tighter your vision the less out of place things appear.
I feel a little caught up in my expectations for myself and sense the time has come to let go of a lot of things I expected and wanted myself to be. All of the things listed above are things I have wanted for myself for years. I wanted to be the quiet yet exceptionally witty girl. I wanted to be the chic and eloquent woman. I wanted to be the brave and spontaneous adventurer. I wanted to be the exceptionally skilled artist. I wanted to be the naturally creative house keeper. I wanted to be the composed and rational person.
I wanted to consistently be all of it. I thought that as I grew up I would grow into all of the categories I wanted to be recognized with, I thought I would find rest in my place and my skills and not be so easily hurt or confused. I thought it was just a matter of growing up and perhaps it is, I don’t know…
I find myself saying that a lot lately. i don’t know.
I don’t know when to keep up or drop an argument
I don’t know how to put aside what I want no matter the emotional attachment
I don’t know how to stay on top of things better then I have been
I don’t know how to allow the moments of triumph to extend into greater habits
I think it all just comes down to being young, which is one of the hardest things to admit to myself. As far as I can remember I have always equated being young with being immature. My goal in so many times and areas of my life has been to prove to myself and everyone else that just because my age was young I was capable and mature beyond my years,
when I was 11 I could pass for 13
when I was 13 I could pass for 16
when I was 16 I could pass for 18
when I was 18 I could pass for 21
and now here I am, at 21 and I think my age has finally caught up to my capabilities.
Right now, I don’t believe I can pass for anything other then 21, and that is new and a bit frustrating for me. I’ve counted on naturally being a little ahead of the game for years and finding myself in a different position is bringing challenges I never expected. By this time of life I had hoped to find myself to be so many things. I wanted the poise, the confidence, the creativity, the wisdom and so much more…now I’m realizing that its not going to come as naturally as it has before. It’s going to take the years ahead, the challenges, the triumphs and the mistakes. I can’t expect myself to be a step ahead any longer, because times have changed.
It’s no longer about expectations, but about reality. It’s about right now. It’s no longer about how grown up I am, it’s about continuing to grow up. It’s no longer finding myself to be mature and responsible, it’s a matter of being intentionally about each daily task. It’s no longer coming one day to find that the outline of my life is so neatly organized before me, it’s learning every little piece of the puzzle and where it goes.
Real life? Yes.
Worth it? Yes.
I haven’t achieved or become nearly as many things as I thought I would by this time, instead I find myself severely lacking in regards to my expectations. And not merely lacking, but contradicting.
On one hand I want to be the confident, witty and refined woman and on the other hand I just want to be the 90’s mom with a perm, two fanny packs and 5 kids in tow.
In the end, I want to find out who I am, not merely who I expect myself to be.
This need to be honest and aware has been a long time coming, and I think I finally have enough clarity on it to move forward in a healthy way.
sometimes the best beginnings occur when you realize how weary you really are