i must admit

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I am feeling tired of this thing called school and grades and book studying.

Not because of the work, I thrive on work and I love learning, but I am feeling weak in spirit as I trudge through this final semester. Not the kind of weakness that you might easily see, unless you know me well, but more the kind that settles like a coat on your heart and mind, making the burdens and responsibilities around seem heavier and harder.

I find myself afraid of failing more than ever before. Final grades weigh heavier on my conscious and the ever elusive graduation date seems more like a final stamp of how I didn’t try my hardest in school and how I didn’t do my best than a sign of accomplishment and freedom.

[I feel I must clarify, because posts like this and my previous one are many times misunderstood, that I am not struggling in the sense of being unable to function in daily life and being unable to find joy right now. On the contrary I find that I am learning about myself, my relationship with Christ and my marriage more than ever before and am so glad to be living this part of my life!]

But with all of the joy, also comes the motion of life. The daily, weekly, monthly, ups and downs and at this point I find that I need to write more about the harder things than praise the good things.

I am afraid of being a disappointment to myself and others in my schoolwork and feel challenged by the strain it requires from focus and attention. It is not so much a feeling that can be termed as mere laziness and I don’t think it can be described with such a clique term as ‘senioritis’. I just feel as though I have come to the end of my ability to continue to give quality work, opinions, and creative response.

We are 34 days into the semester (5 of those being snow days) and there are 82 days left…the math itself is a little discouraging.

I just want to run away from everything right now, go somewhere beautiful, take pictures of people and real life, have babies with Justin, teach them about Jesus and love the people we encounter.

Sometimes dreams are strength to the weary.

In closing I quote a simple line from a simple song, as I pay and work to gain a degree that is recognized in our society as something important and yet probably has no worth in eternity, no matter the failures or fears, I claim this statement as my desire, and attach it to all of my dreams.

“Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.”

2 thoughts on “i must admit

  1. I was the same way in my last semester. There was that same unexpected heaviness on me as well. I didn’t want to blow off my final semester because I wanted to finish well. On the other hand, I really DID want to blow it off because after being a full-time wife, mom, employee, a part-time student and ministry leader in our small church for so very long, everything inside me was crying out for it to just stop so I could breathe and enjoy the end of the journey. Hang in there. It will come sooner than you think and then you’ll find yourself wondering what you’re “forgetting” (which would be the schoolwork you’re so used to doing by now). Praying for you, my friend!

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  2. Hey Beppy, I really wish I could think of something really intelligent to say—- the only simple thing I can say is—just do your best– get thru 82 days—get your degree,and then you’ll be free to pursue whatever your dreams are—you’ll be your own person ,and you’ll know you did your best.Actually,I admire you so much for diligently sticking it out—- you were not a quitter.not every one chooses to be a scholar.I know you are some FANTASTIC photographer,in many phases.You’ll do fine.Love,Grandma

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