Today is my second day at work, my second day of work at a full time job.
You guys, I’m gonna be honest with you. I think this transition into full time work may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I like my job already, the people are friendly and helpful, the work is manageable and enjoyable and the commute is simple and easy, but the transition into realizing that my normal has suddenly changed is a lot bigger of a challenge for me then I expected.
I know it seems a little crazy, I’m sure any of you who have read along with my blog for some time now know that I am an anxious person, and for some reason my personal combination of fears and worries combine into making this step a difficult one even though the actual things included in the process are not dangerous, difficult, or scary.
Honestly, it all comes down to my inability to rest on my own. I’ve depended on my family, friends, and Justin to be the ones who give me a sense of rest for so long that I don’t think I even have the habits made to really grasp and understand the rest that God gives anytime and anywhere, a rest that supersedes any kind of peace that human company can afford. I am learning to receive that peace from God, not by anything I can do, but simply by resting enough to recognize His peace.
I am learning to sit still and rest, but I am also learning to keep living, to keep moving forward, one action, one day at a time. A lot of times when I get scared or uneasy about something I run and sometimes that saves me from things, but many times it keeps me from growing and learning to lean on Christ more. This time I’m not running, this job is worth it, this learning is worth it, and the anxiety and nervousness is temporary. Most times I make it through difficult situations because I can see an end to them, but this job, I hope, is not ending any time soon, so that mentality is anything but helpful. I don’t want to feel like this is a temporary performance and to remedy that destructive thought I have to continue to live in normal routine and stop assuming that just because my body is still learning to cope with the new doesn’t actually mean anything is wrong. I have to wake up in the morning and get ready for my day, kiss Justin goodbye, and drive to work. I have to put a picture of Justin and I on my desk and know that it’s alright to make this desk space more of my own because it is safe and it is a good.
Today is my second day of work, my eyes are swollen from crying, I’m running on too little sleep, and my stomach is refusing to agree with almost any food I eat even though I’m so hungry, BUT I am also at work, I am adjusting, I am learning, I am living, and I know that even though it is difficult in some ways right now I will learn how to embrace and enjoy this new normal and I will be able to eat and sleep again and it will be one of the greatest adventures I have ever embarked on. Right now it’s hard to tell because of the bleary eyes and growling stomach, but I am actually stronger than I’ve ever been before and with Christ as my guide, my rest, and my peace, I am only getting stronger! 🙂