These days I feel pretty out of my element while working full time. I find myself fidgety often and anxious about how slow time seems to be moving. I have always believed my element would be as a mother, home keeper, and wife. I’ve dreamed of the days when I can care for Justin and I’s children along with our home. I’ve imagined greeting Justin when he comes home from work, with a smile and a kiss, followed by little footsteps of tiny children that want to greet their daddy as well. Just thinking about it fills me with a crazy amount of anticipation.
To be honest this isn’t a great time for me personally…it’s almost like all the rebellious anxiety and identity tension that was supposed to be worked out in my late teens has actually just exploded all over my life in my early twenties. I often feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my days and my life. My job isn’t centered enough to provide fulfillment, it pays the bills, which I am incredibly grateful for, but my anxiousness to leave as SOON as the clock hits 5:00 is a testament to its inability to grasp my full attention or capabilities. I sit at my desk all day pondering news, life styles, children, and money and then I go home and make dinner and do the chores and sometimes try to eek out some kind of creative venture so I can feel like I am at least interacting with something artistic now and again, then I sleep, which is most times my favorite part of the day, and then I wake up and do it all over again.
I tend to be overwhelmed a lot at this time. I work from 8:00-5:20 in a world where the normal is so far from my normal that it feels as though my time at work is a part in a play or movie and then when I go home I get back to reality. My car is crawling to its death bed in a mess of clunky slipping gears that make the commute to work an anxious painstaking journey every new day. Driving away from work each evening in my struggling vehicle alongside my coworker’s silent expensive cars is one of the worst parts of my day and each time I’m able to pull up in front of our house in one piece I give another prayer of thanks that the car lasted another trek. Most of the time during the week Justin and I live life together what seems like halfheartedly but is actually more along the lines of all we have left to give and this whole phase of Justin being in school and me being out of school is continually more of a challenge then when we were both in school together.
Guys, I just wanna run away…..to a desert or the mountains….I just want to pack up Justin and go somewhere and make 12 babies and when they are born wrap them all up like tiny sausages and go show them the world, the ocean, the forest, the meadow, the city, and give them a lot of hugs. And as we teach them to be kind and take care of the world we live in, we’ll also teach them about Jesus and about how this world is very distracting, but Jesus is where we begin and end and He is our soul’s core and purpose. It’s all so idealistic, that desire, but sometimes, in my heart of hearts, I wish that we lived in a world where we worked more for family, and we grew food to provide for a community and we talked about Jesus on a regular basis and our purpose wasn’t muddled with budgets and houses and life plans. I think a big reason why I seek simplicity is because I feel wearied throughout my days. I’m sure it’s some kind of shortcoming on my part, an imbalance even, but my mind almost never ceases to race and my body is constantly tired from what seems to be reward-less efforts and minor growth.
It hasn’t been a great day, as I’m sure you can tell from the content of this post, but sometimes you just feel like you have to group up all of your complaints and worries and set them in one place, so you can, in a way, feel like they’ve been taken care of somehow.
It’s pretty easy to be honest on a blog, if I was talking with you face to face, reader, I probably wouldn’t tell you what I’ve just written, or I would at least end it with, ‘but it’s all really okay, it’s gonna be great” to keep the mood light and keep you from offering any condolences. I prefer many times to make it through tough times on my own, so I don’t feel indebted to people’s help. It always seems easier to me to just have to worry about the solution myself then have a lot of people offering to help…I’m kind of a weird one 🙂
Tomorrow really will be a better day though, each new day brings fresh grace and promise. And in all honesty, it really isn’t all bad….. some days it just sure feels like it is. 🙂