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I said in an Instagram post the other day that February hasn’t been especially kind to me. I continue to hold to that as this month nears a finish.

I consider where I am in life right now to be the most on edge time I’ve known. I feel as though I am on the verge of a breakthrough at any minute, at all times, but can’t seem to officially rest on the side of clarity for very long before seeing another hurtle coming my way.

Social media interaction is probably the pettiest, but most prevalent, battle that I wage. I love social media for its opportunity to give a voice to many, for its succinctness, the creativity and memories it stores and the inspiration it can provide. I enjoy the positive aspects of it so much that I can’t seem to leave it for very long. I just got my first Twitter account yesterday, I thought it could be fun to interact with another realm of information and it is exciting, but I feel a warning in the back of my mind that rings out that it’s going to cause me to be overwhelmed like other platforms do so many times as well.

I always face red flags with my media interaction, but I also face fears of leaving social media.

I don’t want to leave it because it distracts me …and I love it for that. It helps me imagine exciting things and observe choices and opinions of others, basically, it passes the day in a way that is more interesting than the job I hold and the stage I am in. But it is also so very hollow, so I finish many days feeling let down by the moments flipping from webpage to webpage, and app to app that don’t actually supply sincere support and contentment.

I don’t want to leave because I like knowing I’m reaching people. I like being heard, I like interacting with people. It’s hard when I realize how small my audience truly becomes when social media is taken out of the equation, and it not only feeds my blog stats and interaction (i. e. comments & likes) but it feeds my self-esteem. It is truly a dangerous, yet addicting, method of affirmation.

I don’t want to leave because I’m afraid to lose the memories. I’m afraid that without the incentive and final step of posting, that the memories might be forgotten, and that I will regret having stepped away, but won’t be able to do anything about it.

I don’t want to leave because, I admit, to being afraid that the memories won’t be quite as important without an audience.

I don’t want to leave because even though it all seems so difficult at times, it seems so normal to everyone else.

I struggle with what I am to do with social media and then I think of how many people seem to interact with all of the social media platforms I do, sometimes more, but are still level headed and without angst and I think that I must just be blowing it out of proportion and that it will all level out and I shouldn’t think about it as a problem in any way. #rationalizing

I don’t want to be too weak to handle what is supposedly so normal. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be the odd one out. I don’t want to be unable when so many others are able. I don’t want to miss out.

But I also know making a decision based on other people’s strength levels could ruin my self-awareness, my confidence, myself.

To be honest with you,

I don’t know if I want to be heard more than I want to rest. I don’t know if I want to record life more than I want to rest. I don’t know if I want to be a part of social media more than I want to rest. I don’t know if I want to know that I can do just as much as anyone else more than I want to rest.

All I know is that it starts with me.

Many times I think it’s helpful to be honest on my blog. But I am finding that even when I feel that I am being the most honest and the most up front that it still seems to leave so much room for assumption.

I don’t like it when people assume things about me and my life, which is why I choose to be honest to begin with so that people know what they need to know right away.

But I realize that no matter how honest I feel that I am being, or how balanced I think my information is, it still leaves space for misunderstanding on the part of the viewer and reader.

Which makes me question what I am doing here anyway.

If this platform, or any platform for that matter, is not supporting what I hoped for it to be in the first place. Then why am I using it?

I don’t want to run away and think it will solve all of my problems. I want to understand and make wise decisions. It’s just interesting to me that sometimes walking away can be the wisest decision you can make.

So we’ll see.

There are more voices in my head these days that I can even understand which one is right and which one is wrong. The give and take of my mental conversations are so quick that the buzz in my head is exhausting.

So right now my goal is to find rest, however that might be.

But I wonder if living life without an audience, and really understanding what privacy means, could lift a very unneeded weight off of my life.

This blog, my facebook, etc have changed over time, as I have changed. And I am considering that perhaps their purpose and reflection is no longer as accurate or important as it once was.

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