It was March 6, 2015 and it had been almost 9 weeks since my last period. I could feel, despite my best efforts, that I was beginning to attach myself to the possibility of being pregnant like I had done so many times before.
I had taken so many pregnancy tests in the year and half we had been married. 10+ seems like a pretty accurate assessment. And every time that one little line stared back at me and made me feel so foolish to assume that we had been able to make a baby.
You see, I was nervous. Nervous to know if we worked. If we could do it. If we could make babies. I hoped for the best, but knew that sometimes it’s out of your control and I tend to get anxious over things that are out of my control.
Every time the tests were negative I would have a mess of emotions both of relief and sadness. Relief because I knew it was probably for the best for us at the time, but sadness because it seemed to confirm my fears that something might be broken.
It’s no secret that one of my absolute greatest passions is to be a mother. That making babies with Justin was one of my highest goals. And it was hard to have to release that hope over and over again with each negative test and realize that it was completely in God’s hands and timing no matter what I wanted, and that it was far better that way.
I had been sick since the last Friday (February 27th), just a head cold, but I was really surprised at how long it was taking to get my energy back, and then on that Friday, March 6th, the peanut butter energy balls we normally have for breakfast were just too much for me, the smell was so terrible I couldn’t even look at them.
After I told Justin that, he suggested that it might be time to take a test. Even still we wavered multiple times over whether or not we really should buy the tests, it’s never fun to feel like you’ve wasted money, especially on something that was so heartbreaking in the past. But I was starting to feel so terrible and was so late for my period that I knew I just needed peace of mind either way.
So, we picked up two ClearBlue tests, the ones that say ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’. I had never used that brand before, so I thought it would be nice to have words instead of lines. We picked up a takeout dinner and went home and spent the night together watching Modern Family. Around 8pm Justin began playing some computer games and I sat on the couch wondering if I should take the test, trying to prepare my mind for a negative test while the whole while having that nagging hope for a positive.
I eventually knew it was just time, so I stood up and told Justin I was going to take it. He assured and encouraged me that he would be right there for me afterwards, something he had been faithfully after every negative test result in the past.
I took the test and set it down on the bathroom sink, wary of watching it too closely because it was easier to see the negative if I didn’t attach myself right off the bat. I began brushing my hair up into a pony tail, glancing down only a few times to see the test processing, eventually I became more focused with my hair and even forgot about the test for a minute because I had hair tie and brush in hand.
And then I glanced down one more time and saw it. ‘Pregnant’.
Surreal. That is how to best describe it. It is a moment I will forever remember. My hands, shaking slightly, slowly brought the brush and hair tie down to the bathroom sink and moved to pick up the test. I stared and then just as slowly I turned to open the bathroom door and walked out to Justin.
I walked up next to him and simply put the positive test it in front of him. His eyes shot to mine with shock and he hugged me as fast as he could stand up!
At first we were both so shocked we almost felt like it wasn’t real life, but rather a joke or a mistake. We quickly checked what the chances of a false positive were with the Clear Blue tests, a meager 0.08%, still not fully convinced though we knew we needed more proof.
The second test would be taken that night.
After a quick walk to calm down and talk through the shock, we got back home and prepared for the second test. Justin wanted to be there for it so I did the cup method and then with his stop watch in hand he counted down the 20 seconds as I held the test in the cup and then this time we watched closely as it worked to give us a result.
We looked at each other and smiled and I cried and we hugged and we reveled in the miracle of a little life that God has seen fit to bless us with at this time.
And then we took pictures! 🙂
Though we weren’t specifically trying at this point for a baby, since the beginning our hearts had been trusting that God would allow it to happen at the right time. We could have gotten pregnant so many times before now, but we didn’t, we got pregnant now, and I can’t help but feel God’s sovereignty in the timing and the lessons learned in the months of negative tests.
When I think about how surreal it is that we are moving into a time of life that I have waited so long for I feel nervous, because of how I know I’ve romanticized what life with babies is like, but also feel confident and ready for all my expectations to be changed and challenged, because I didn’t want a family with Justin because of the romance of it, I wanted it because of the journey. And journeys are hard, and happy, and full of unknowns, but worth so much more then any romantic ideal!
I am so glad to walk together with Justin into this new road that God saw fit to lead us down at this time. May we forever grow stronger together as we add to our little family. 🙂