Summer 2015 is ending and it’s pretty hard to believe.
The dichotomy between the start and end of this season are especially interesting to make note of.
The start of the summer felt easy and fun, hopes were high and the future looked promising and plannable.
As the weeks and months passed one by one things began to get more complicated as deadlines began to loom heavier and heavier on our minds, hearts, budget, and overall future.
Sadly perhaps, over the course of the summer, pregnancy has taken a back seat to so many other things crowding my mind. If I think on it too much it makes me feel sad to know that my first pregnancy has been complicated and overshadowed in our minds and life many times with so much pressure for answers on so many other things, but overall I can’t help but also be incredibly grateful for Theo’s presence and health and understand that seasons of life sometimes stack together in ways that seem less than ideal.
I almost can’t help but laugh at my pregnancy app that is already encouraging me to pack a hospital bag and have it by the door, since I can’t even make final plans for things like a birthing class or nursery and have spent about 20 minutes overall at this point thinking on and preparing for the actual birthing process, let alone mental and emotional preparation for when Theo’s actually here.
At this point, a solid 75% of the answers for our future hinge on when and where Justin will find a job.
I’m not gonna lie, that is a really, really hard sentence to have to have as a reality.
And it’s only gotten harder as the weeks have continued to pass.
I admit that I have had times of completely overwhelming frustration at the timing of certain things over the course of the summer months. I’ve said ‘I guess we’ll see’ more times than I would have ever wanted to, and can’t help but feel a negative emotional reaction to the specific words even as a write them here.
I’ve felt more angry and more sad this summer then I would have ever imagined, and as the summer season fades I find myself feeling tired from the height and spectrum of the emotions experienced in the past months.
I haven’t written much in this space lately, even letting the bumpdates go to the wayside because of how weary my mind and body have become.
I thought about how unnecessary even posting this somewhat inconclusive post could be, but I can’t help but wonder if someday I might want to remember these very real moments of life lived this summer, even if it’s just a way to remember where we came from.
Sometimes I think of Christmas time. Of the lights and the food and the music. I think about a scene where Justin and I are in the midst of the cool winter air, in a sea of lights, with our son. I don’t have enough answers at this point to know much more than that. I can’t fill in a location, a job, a budget or an overall sense of clarity. All I can see right now is that we are all together, celebrating our family and it encourages my heart and mind that good things are coming. That despite the frustration and the feeling of being at such a loss to make any plans or know what our future holds, that good things are still to come and our whole life is not wrapped up in this experience.
There’s no way I could summarize the content of the whole summer in a single post. Life has gotten far too complicated to attempt to summarize in any efficient way the highs and lows of the recent past. As the summer has passed, the future has only gotten more unclear, so I have begun to cope by attempting to resolve to live in the present.
So, presently, these are my thoughts on the summer, maybe tomorrow they’ll be different, maybe even by this afternoon.
Presently, when I think of how far we’ve come I feel shocked at how we could have made it, and when I think of how far we still might have to go I feel my endurance shudder.
Presently, when I think about what information we currently know I am stunned at how poorly the pieces fit together.
Presently, when I think of how much we are still waiting on I can’t see how it all makes sense, or how it could possibly be good.
Presently, I am very pregnant, both physically and emotionally.
Presently, I am grateful for my husband and our son, my little family.
Presently, we are waiting.
Presently, we are hoping.
Presently, we are praying that as each next step becomes clear that we would remember to heavily rely on the grace and endurance of God, despite it being so very easy to become overwhelmed with the details and the unknowns regarding provision and timing.