He waved goodbye to me and headed to his first official day of full time work this morning.
Yesterday I packed two lunches instead of one and this morning his alarm went off before mine.
The seasons are changing and we’ve begun the journey forward into the next chapter of our story.
In a short time I will say goodbye to my first full time job and begin adjusting to the life of a stay at home mother before baby Theo comes and then more so after his arrival.
We are both incredibly grateful and excited, and yet I know we still have a lot of adjustment to come.
This summer was incredibly difficult, on multiple accounts, and yet as it drifts into our past more so with each passing day I wonder at the difference it actually made for us.
We grew up this summer.
We fumbled our way through the season with less clarity then preferred and made decisions off of both fact and possibility and in the midst of it, we grew up.
I didn’t really expect it, but no young marriage can take on a summer like ours without coming out the other end a different unit.
It made us stronger on many accounts.
Along with our faith, I think it impacted our understanding the most.
Our understanding of life.
We don’t fully understand, who does, but we understand better now than we ever have before.
We understand each other, the world of full time employment, opportunities, support of family and friends, our priorities, capabilities and more much better because of this summer.
I’m not going to pour out words upon words of information and thoughts on our lives right now, past or present. Simply, I am recording that we’ve reached the end of one season and are now embarking on another to recognize, for my future self’s sake, the worth of the challenges that have been a part of the past 3 or so months.
Over the summer there were many things that people said, we heard, or we read that impacted our hearts and minds more distinctly. A Sunday sermon, a book excerpt, a bible passage, a conversation, a song.
Nearing the end of the summer I heard this song on the radio for the first time and I want to include it here because it spoke very genuinely to the parts of me that were confused and hurting.
The song is ‘Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns, the lyrics as follows:
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
Difficult times bring a lot of opportunity for fear and doubt to settle over your subconscious and drain the joy and rest out of the every day time of waiting. The restoration that is found in resting in Christ is very easily disregarded and it takes other things to remind of what has been forgotten due to a crowded, confused mind.
I think I cried each time I heard the song on the radio. Not deep heavy sobbing like some anxiety filled moments of the summer, but slow tears of conviction and release. The reminder was so poignant every time and the refocus was so special as in the moment I was pulled back into Christ’s arms and truthfully reminded of His sovereignty.
So much of the time I sabotage myself by convincing myself that I shouldn’t, or can’t, feel rest or peace during a difficult time because the worry and anxiety makes me feel like I’m living into it better or that I at least have some measure of control over what’s happening.
Being reminded that harder does not always mean more holy is a very unique concept to consider.
Do we perhaps martyr ourselves in difficult times with our own need for control when Christ is seeking to give us a season of restful waiting through His care?
Not to be confused with passive, nominal Christianity, I believe that we strongly characterize difficult seasons through our own terms and could perhaps find them to be much less taxing if we were to better understand the ways in which Christ actually cares for us.
I am grateful for a season of rest that has come not from having everything in place, but rather by honestly realizing that God really does.