growing pains

IMG_6124 copyDo you ever have those moments where you just sit thinking, ‘what am I even doing’

I think those words coming out of my mouth may give Justin anxiety, he knows they mean I’m trying to interpret something that is going on inside me that inevitably comes out by either a desire to get rid of all of our stuff or attempt some other slightly extreme endeavor that I feel will give me a swift sense of purpose or accomplishment.

Two weeks ago I decided to do a media fast, with possibly the loosest structure ever, I wasn’t going to penalize myself for signing in accidently, or even intentionally, to make sure that no one had attempted to contact me, I was going to let myself post if I felt inclined and I possibly wouldn’t even do the whole month…spoiler alert…I’m not going the whole month.

I realized a few things with my experiment with social media, firstly being that I tend to get very caught up with the scroooooolling on my social media feeds, while often times forgetting to actually interact with anyone. Apparently I feel that people should just telepathically know that I like something they are doing or have a comment on something they are posting without my actually communicating that 🙂

I also found that it didn’t actually affect my mood as much as I imagined it would have. I still got worried, grumpy, excited, inspired, etc. throughout the days despite the lack of social media influence. Which made me think that it’s just life in general that affects me and that social media is just a little compact life that I can disengage from if I so choose, but still isn’t completely responsible for my more easily influenced emotional self.

For a while now I’ve felt like something is off. Not really sure what that means. Not sure if it means anything. And, I feel I should note, it has nothing to do with my marriage or motherhood, two things which I feel infinitely secure and joyful in. I just feel like I’m missing something. Honestly, it may just be hormonal. Not sure, but I just can’t seem to shake it.

I keep blaming social media for it though and I’ve since realized it isn’t tied to social media, or if it is, it’s only ever so slightly.

It’s most likely just growing pains. I think I’m in the thick of some adult revelations that aren’t quite clear yet. My mind is a strange mix of retrospective and future planning and it’s a funny little stage to be in.

I have dreams of living on a farm, or buying a house in the suburbs or planting a church, or growing a blog into a business, or moving to Germany to be a missionary or….it goes on…

My problem is, none of the dreams seem to coexist very well….so I am just plain confused as to where I should put my focus for the future.

And I know life, hopefully, is a long journey and able to contain many different stages in many different places, I do feel as though I am searching for a vision though, that I am supposed to be finding a vision, and I’m not quite there.

The media break I think was an attempt to clear my mind to find that vision, but it’s still foggy.

It’s a feeling that our family is meant to be part of something, some kind of mission, but I don’t quite know what it is. I don’t want to forget the feelings though, because I don’t want to miss out on what I’m supposed to realize. It’s like intentional unrest because you know that something should possibly be different than it is or that something is about to become clear so you want to stay alert.

I have feelings of being slightly rebellious towards life expectations that could be directed towards us and feel a desire to perhaps break a mold in a way I’m still unsure about.

No matter what, I know the ‘something’ has to do with people. Some kind of community. Perhaps it’s much less drastic then I feel could be possible, perhaps it’s positively normal, I just can’t be sure.

I have moments of clarity, things I realize that are important to me apart from anyone else’s opinions or ways of life, a habit or dream that is purely my own.

And, to Justin’s chagrin at times, one of them really is that I do desire to live with far fewer things then we currently own.

I dream of each of us having only 20 pieces of clothing, only owning one set of dishes, basically JUST the things we use and nothing more. Because it’s truly irritating to me many times just to think about how many things just SIT around me that have no function in my daily life or, most times, even in extenuating circumstances.

That’s just a very small example of my current state of mind.

I have more thoughts and ramblings, but I’ll spare you…for now. 🙂

I also fully admit that all of my visions and dreams could change, so I’m not going to say that I 100% believe all of them to be permanent, I do however know I am journeying on a bit of a self-discovery journey and it’s most interesting.

If you have gotten this far in this wordy rambling blogpost you most certainly deserve a medal, at the very least a certificate of achievement, because here’s the point.

I don’t have one.

No point at all, just merely an effort to write out some thoughts of now.

Which I have now done.

And feel glad to have done.

So cheers. 🙂

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I do want to note quickly that I’m not looking for advice or reassurance, though I understand if you feel you’d like to offer either and don’t condemn your intentions, I just want to be sure to say that despite the ramblings I am very sure of many many things in my current life and feel strong with my faith and foundations and merely wanted to record a small section of the internal growth currently happening for me.

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